It’s all fun and games until the scissors slip and someone gets circumcised!
Hello you sexy, sexy things!
Am I objectifying you all? Of course, but at least I’m being inclusive. Sexy is as sexy does.
What does hell are you talking about, Jasmin?
In my world it means sexy has less to do with awesome good looks and more to do with who you are (in my case, I humbly admit its both).
For example, take Ren, the Mountain pack’s alpha in Savage Hearts (Shifters of Darkness Falls Book 4) (not literally, because he’s mine, you hear me, MINE!).
He didn’t try to convince himself he was good-looking. Maybe as a young man, he had the goods, but now, he was weathered, his nose broken a couple of times, scars across his torso. His ragged beard hid another on his neck, put there by a momma bear that took exception to Ren wandering between her and her cubs. But good-looking and attractive didn’t always equate.
Mind you, the rest of the paragraph focuses on how the babes love Ren’s size and demeanor, and how he’s a fuck and leave ’em kind of alpha, sooooo still a bit shallow.
Speaking of sexy, lets talk about blowjobs. When I’m writing sex scenes, I sometimes go to the internet for pointers. After all, Mr. Google is the reigning king of sex information. I need something, he’s got it. Google images is a huge resource and so are some cocks.
There’s a paragraph in the Savage Hearts where Cherime compares shifters to cocks and another where she describes Ren’s dick. I find myself writing similar descriptions across my books about the main male character’s cock: long (naturally), wide (also goes without saying), throbbing (all dicks throb, don’t they?), smooth helmet or mushroom head (there are probably other idioms I use, but none come to mind at the moment).
But I wanted something new, so I looked at a lot of images of penises (sigh, a writer’s work is never done) to come up with the perfect dick for Ren. This is how I describe it in Savage Hearts:
His flaccid cock was impressive enough and Cherime inspected it closely, her pussy warming up at its appearance. His foreskin hid the prolific hood, which, when hard, was like a mushroom with a super long and wide stem. His penis seemed lighter than the rest of his skin, but the helmet, when exposed, was as a dark as he was. Erect, the flesh on his shaft was silky to the touch, the root of it nestled in dark curly hair.
I know what you’re thinking. All those hours spent looking at penises and that’s the best Jasmin could come up with?
Yes! I’m a writer, not a genius!
Ren’s a mountain shifter, so there’s no manscaping for him. Also, a first for me is the mention of foreskin on a male character’s penis, although I talk about it all the time in real life, especially at dinner parties where polite conversation is encouraged.
In Canada (yeah, I’m Canadian), it used to be that all little boys got circumcised (back in the day when I had my little boys), but I think that’s changing. I don’t know for sure because I haven’t seen many little boy penises recently (even I know better than to google that one).
At first I thought it would be wrong of me to ask young men whether they were cut or uncut. Then I thought, why the hell not? I won’t ask the little, little boys, because their mothers might call the police on me, but the big boys that are old enough to get into nightclubs seemed like fair game.
I channelled Cherime (shifter babe in book 4), wore a tight red dress, stillettos and a matching red face mask and stood outside a popular downtown nightclub with my clipboard and and pen. I looked extremely official with my is-he-or-isn’t-he checklist.
The problem was that everyone was wearing masks (you know, because of Covid-19, not because it was Halloween) and we couldn’t hear each other.
Quick aside. Since when is Halloween a proper noun? It’s not a fucking statutory holiday. I know I sound too much like my grandmother, but Halloween doesn’t know its proper place. It needs its ass kicked.
Anyway, let’s move along before the all the attention goes to Halloween’s head (and not the one on top of his shoulders).
I arrived at the nightclub, looking sexy (not sexy is as sexy does, but downright so hot I was smoking. Which I don’t. Smoke, I mean. It’s a metaphor.
First guy to come up was a sweet little thing (maybe 20) that would never get to be a character in my books, because his girl friend was Nicole Kidman to his Tom Cruise, all height, heels and looking down on her little luv. Nonetheless, I was not there to be judgey, so I said, “Are you circumcised?”
He said, “What?”
Damn masks – they make the air fresher, but you can’t hear a thing. I raised my voice slightly and did a little a circular hand motion over my lower lady bits (vagina, people!). “Circumcised!”
He stared down at my lady bits too long based on his girlfriend’s reaction. She looked to him, then me, then back to him, then punched him in the arm so hard he squealed. Unlike Nicole Kidman, who doesn’t sneer, the cranky woman sneered at me and dragged him away.
I checked off Yes. Maybe it’s a generalization, but men who squeal must be circumcised. I mean, Ren would never squeal after Cherime punched him.
Next two guys that showed up were taller and far more filled out than my first candidate. I’d say lickable, if they weren’t so young and smug.
“Hello, boys,” I said in a low, raspy, voice.
They stopped and smiled at me through their masks (yeah, yeah, they were wearing masks so how did I know they were smiling? If you’d been them looking at me, you’d know why they were smiling).
“Holy hell!” they said. Or maybe it was hello. The masks kind of muffle stuff.
“I’m doing a survey of young men. Can you tell me if you’re circumcised?” (btw, I don’t know how to spell circumsised. I’ve gotten the fucking word wrong every single time I’ve typed it.)
“What?” they said. It was like talking to Tweedledum and Tweedledee.
I sighed. “Circumcised!” Once again, I raised my voice and did the pelvis level circular lady bits motion.
They looked at each other, then the taller of the two said, “Supersized? Oh yeah, we are.”
He smirked at his buddy, who took his hand and kissed the knuckles. “But we’re monogamous and also totally gay.” His gaze travelled over my body. “No offense.”
I took a deep breath and steamed up my sexy professor glasses that I like to wear when I’m wanting to look sexy, but intelligent (the two are not mutually exclusive except in reference to me).
Anyway, I took the glasses off as three sexy young men sauntered up to me and stopped without me having to throw myself between them and the entrance.
They stood side-by-side like the three bears, but to be honest, they were all hot, but not too hot. Just right.
“Excuse me,” I purred, holding my gorgeous long red fingernail attached to my finger up in the air. The pointer one, not the FU one. “Don’t go anywhere, boys. I need to make a quick call.”
I dialled Mr. Quinn. FYI, we don’t have an open-marriage, and I don’t cheat but I do lie. “I’m at the market on Yates Street getting some… uh… hummus, but the store’s being robbed by these three hot men with long… um… guns and they’re handcuffing us all, so I can’t talk long. Just letting you know that I might a little late.”
Mr. Quinn replied, “Tell the beaver I said hello.” And hung up.
I turned back to the boys, who’d been politely chatting with each other. One of them handed me back my pen, which had fallen while I was on the phone. “You dropped your pen, ma’am,” he said.
I was shocked and dismayed, both of which made me stagger to the wall so I could prop myself up. “Ma’am?” I yell-gasped as they slipped inside the club. “You fucking three bears, calling me Ma’am!”
I kept my string of curses going until the manager came out of the club and told me I had to either settle down or leave.
I settled down. I only ever leave when I’m fucking good and ready (or I’m arrested). I called Mr. Quinn back and told him the cops had arrived and arrested the assholes who had handcuffed me to a beaver, so I wouldn’t be late after all.
I decided to try once more time and base my findings on an N of 1. That’s a bullshit statistical word, of which I’m a fan. There are other words I could use, but none of them would make sense.
As usual, I’ve digressed rather badly.
The next guy that came up to me was so seriously hot that I reconsidered my marriage vows for a few seconds. Who hasn’t done that? When a girl sees a guy who she knows she would have stalked if not for the old ball and chain at home in his recliner, her mind goes to all those places her body can’t.
Anyway, I stepped in front of him, all elegant and graceful and stuff and said, “Hello you sexy man.” My voice was smooth as hot chocolate with marshmallows on top.
He narrowed his eyes at me. “I’m not Mexican.”
Oops. “I said sexy… oh never mind. I’m doing a survey on circumcision.”
“What decision?” He was clearly confused.
“Circumcision!” I yelled, this time using a scissor hand motion across my lower lady bits.
“Oh,” he said, finally realizing what I was talking about. He shook his head. “Sorry, I’m not into that kind of fetish.”
As he walked away, I winged the clipboard at him, catching the back of his head and knocking him out. He’s okay now, but I’m writing this blog from prison. Mr. Quinn won’t post bail. It’s his punishment for me because I lied to him about hummus.
Now where were we? Oh yeah, Blowies!
The trouble with Mr. Google, is he pulls you in with interesting articles that make you want to look. Of course I did, because I never not look. I was fascinated by the blogs that described different types of blowjobs and how to give the best blowjob ever (which I’m sure you are, like me, already an expert at, but what if there’s a new technique that we aren’t aware of?).
Who wouldn’t want to know this stuff? Certainly, I did.
Fun facts (or are they? I mean facts, not fun, because of course facts are always fun, but do we know whether these facts are borne from an N of 1? See how I circled back there. You should ignore me when I’m talking about statistics – it’s all just bullshit anyway):
Did you know that how you give a blowjob says a lot about who you are. For example, if you’re a deep throater, then
you don’t do anything halfway. With you, it’s all or nothing, especially when it comes to penises. You practiced suppressing your gag reflex on your own time because you want to blow his mind while you blow his member. You’re selfless and committed, able to dedicate yourself to your partner 100 percent when the need arises.
Most of these articles about blowies all seem to agree that enthusiasm is the first and foremost factor. If you don’t like giving blow jobs, then you should figure it out.
I have to admit, I’m a rather enthusiastic blowjob giver because it’s so much fun to to throw a guy off his game by going down on him while he’s driving (don’t do this on a busy highway), or in an alley, or the supply room at a hospital, or the bathroom of my grandmother’s house. She was shocked at first, then pissed at me when I told her to stop with the advice and get out!
My grandmother almost died several weeks after I visited when her falsies got stuck on grandpa’s penis while she was deep-throating him. She okay, but poor grandpa got circumcised that day. He hasn’t been the same sine.
Speaking of awesome blowies!
In Savage Hearts, Cherime gives Ren a morning blowjob, that made me have to stop my editing and reaquaint myself with Rosario, my lovely little pink vibrating toy.
You want the details? I don’t have time to spend with Rosario right now, so I guess you’re going to have to read the book.
I know what you’re thinking: Good segue, Jasmin! Maybe you aren’t, but I certainly am. Time to get back to Savage Hearts and my wonderful world of Darkness Falls shifters!
You may have already guessed this, but just in case you’re still trying to read between the lines (there’s nothing between the lines – never is, never will be), Savage Hearts is now available on Amazon. The book is fun, but serious, Ren and Cherime are fun, sexy, and also serious. And for the first time ever, there’s a bonus chapter at the end. I know! I was surprised too. At first, it was an epilogue, but then I wrote a different epilogue, so it became a bonus chapter.
But wait, there’s more!
Book 5 of the Darkness Falls series, Primal Heat is up for preorders, so if you love book 4 (and how could you not?), you’re going to love Book 5!
It will be available February 26th, 2021. I know what you’re thinking. What the fuck, Jasmin? Can’t you write the book faster?
Why yes! Yes, I could, buuuuttttttt the last book in my Running with the Devil Series is set to be published in November, so I have to write that one first.
Yes girls and boys, Book 12, tentatively titled House of Shadows, is the final chapter in the war between Rusya and Jackman. My heart hurts a little when I think about it. It’s going to be hard to let go of these characters, but life marches on.
House of Shadows (Running with the Devil Book 12) will also go up for preorders in September.
Last but not least!
Finally, I have to plug my book, Unleashed, which I released at the end of June. It’s currently a standalone book, but I’ve been sketching out a series plan. Maybe three or four more books to come!
I hope your summer has held some joyful moments as well as some peaceful solitude. Fall is around the corner and so is that smug (not a pronoun) bastard, halloween.
Peace out my sisters (and brothers).
I love you much (am I overdoing it? You’ll know because you’ll start feeling highly uncomfortable, then you’ll try avoiding me, but it won’t work. I have major stalker skills – I even won an award for them!
PS. I have no PS for you today. I ran out of clever about half-way through this blog.
PSS. Wait. I just thought of one. Check out these new 5-star read by authors that I regularly stalk!
I know what you’re thinking. The fuck is wrong with Jasmin, coming up with a shit greeting like that? Well, for starters, I’m blocked and not in that constipated way that uses up more toilet paper than is wise right now.
I’m writing Book 11 of my Running with the Devil Series and I’m behind schedule a little bit because my head is focusing on things I can’t control and suppressing the creative part of my brain, which by the way, is very small and easily wrangled into a corner and hogtied.
Which is why I’ve turned to blogging. I’m just going to let the verbal diarrhea spew and see what shit comes out. I don’t know what’s with the potty humour, truly. It’s not me – I like it dirty, but as you know, the only bodily functions below the waistline that I’m fond of are orgasms.
I’m also eating those little foiled wrapped chocolate Easter eggs, which generally don’t go well with red wine, but somehow, I’m making it work.
Bijou Hunter is in the house!
If you’ve managed to get through that horrible introduction, that means you are officially at the interesting part of the blog, mostly because the rest of this is devoted to Bijou Hunter, a fantastic writer of MC books that are dark and romantic and at the same time, funny as hell. If you like MC and you haven’t yet read Bijou, I highly recommend her.
While Bijou abhors ass kissing, I think that’s what got her to agree to the interview. I’m a good ass kisser, so much so, that people are seldom aware I’m doing it, unless of course, I’m not using it as a figure of speech, but literally doing it, lips on skin. Then it’s all about the thrills and chills, although I’ll save those details for another blog.
I find Ms. Hunter’s book’s highly addictive, in that when I start to read one, I can’t put it down. The good news is that Bijou has an impressive catalogue, which could keep a person distracted from current events for several days.
Bijou and I were planning to virtually meet at a Denny’s in Indianapolis, Indiana, and though I know the key word is virtually, given the travel restrictions and current social distancing requirements, we elected to virtually stay at home and behave ourselves, but only in the stay at home sense. Other than that, I’ve been bad, very, very bad.
Having said that, I did run a background check on Indianapolis and found out three important details.
Indianapolis is either hard to spell or everyone is spelling it wrong but me.
John Dillinger, the notorious criminal, was born in Indianapolis and while he died in Chicago, he is buried in Crown Hill Cemetery in Indianapolis.
And Wonder Bread of Indianapolis was the first to publicly market sliced bread. This is the fact that I should have started with given that sliced bread made the ‘80s so much better. And all the decades before and after, but particularly the ‘80s.
Ms. Hunter may not agree with my choices of the most important facts about Indianapolis, but since she’s not here to stop me, from writing them, I’m good to go (virtual sucks, hey Bijou?).
In honour of our interview, I ordered takeout from Denny’s while I composed this blog. Why Denny’s, you ask? Because Bijou denies she owns a Denny’s, but wanted us to meet there for the interview. I had the Parmesan Chicken Sizzlin’ Skillet because it has brussels sprouts (another word I’ve been spelling wrong, apparently) in it and really, who doesn’t love some crispy brussels sprouts? I’m only sort of joking.
I started the interview with some lightweight questions, mostly because I really wanted to know the answers.
JASMIN: Bijou, thank you for doing this interview with me. Tell me, who are you wearing?
BIJOU: Jeans, tie-dyed shirt, sneakers. My hair is currently purple.
JASMIN: So you’re wearing Prince?
JASMIN: You know, the singer?
There’s a long uncomfortable pause between the two of us while we sort out each other. Since it doesn’t appear that Bijou is willing to comment on the designer of her attire, I move on to a tough question.
JASMIN: In your own words, please explain what a fapsock is for those of us who lead sheltered lives or live in Canada.
BIJOU: The sock fellas use to collect the manna from heaven their magic lamps squirt after a little stroking.
JASMIN: Is this a well-kept secret or am I the only romance writer out there that had no idea that fapping is the new idiom for masturbation? Or, alternatively, are you the only romance writer aware of this?
BIJOU: I don’t know how common the term is in romance books, but I hear/read men use the word on Reddit and other forums. I try to give each series its specific slang. Like the fricking/frigging/fucking debates from Rawkfist MC and White Horse. Or the term “baller” from the Rawlins Heretics MC series. People in real life usually pick up terms from their friends, so I try to give each group some kind of slang or quirk that belongs to them.
JASMIN: I don’t understand what’s wrong with the tried and true “jerking off”. It too can be insulting (jerk-off as a noun, not as a verb as in to jerk oneself off). In this new world order, if I call someone a fapsock, I’m basically referring to them as a jizz-encrusted footwarmer. Is that correct?
BIJOU: Yes, you’re basically calling a woman a whore if you call her a fapsock. Like a cum dumpster or a jizz receptacle.
For anyone interested in seeing fapsock used in context, please refer to Bijou’s recently published book, I’m With You.
JASMIN: Speaking of new books, you’ve been extremely busy in 2020, publishing three books already. What else do you have planned for the rest of the year?
BIJOU: Well, back in 2013, I wrote Damaged and the Outlaw. In the book, an enforcer and his fertile honey fell in love. They went on to have eight kids. The rest of this year will be spent giving happily ever afters to most of their hippie ninja offspring.
JASMIN: I remember the book. They end up having eight children, don’t they?
BIJOU: Yes. That’s what I just said.
JASMIN: I knew I heard it somewhere. I won’t ask why they had eight children. Clearly this is a work of fiction. Let’s keep this going. How many books a year do you generally publish?
BIJOU: I average about six, one every two months. As much as I wish to be one of those super productive authors, that’s a skill set I don’t possess.
JASMIN: One every two months is quite prolific, given the stellar quality of the books you produce. What are you currently working on? When will you unveil it to the world? What else have you got planned for your readers for 2020?
BIJOU: I’m writing My Silver Lining. The hero is the first-born son of the Outlaw couple. After its release in May, I’ll finish the Reapers MC: Shasta Chapter with the romance of the daughter of the couple from Damaged and the Bulldog.
JASMIN: I cannot wait (yes, I can, because nothing will happen to me even if I can’t). Which book(s) that you’ve written to date is your favourite and why?
BIJOU: Um, that’s difficult to answer. I enjoyed writing MJ in Down to my Bones. I have a soft spot for weirdos. The most fun to write would be any of the White Horse or Rawkfist MC books because they’re swimming with snark. The most challenging to write was the Spent Shells Duet that came out this year. Mainly because the plot structure was different than I’d written before.
JASMIN: My favourite books of yours are Down to My Bones and Don’t Do Me Wrong, which we’ll cross paths with later in the interview. I enjoy reading anything you write, but these two stayed with me long after I finished them. Having said that, I thoroughly enjoyed the Spent Shells Duet and the trip down memory lane with Gator and Mia. It prompted me to reread their story.
What genres do you enjoy reading? Do you have favourite authors outside the romance and erotica genres?
BIJOU: Romance obviously, but I stick mainly to romantic suspense and some PNR (paranormal). I also like urban fantasy and horror. When I was reading more UF (urban fantasy), I enjoyed Ilona Andrews and Darynda Jones. Like most people my age, I grew up reading Stephen King. However, I don’t have the patience for his 1000-page monsters anymore.
JASMIN: I agree with you about Stephen King. It’s been a while since I’ve picked up a book of his. Are there other things readers can look forward to this year that are unrelated to your books? Do you plan to involve yourself in a nationwide scandal that will have people tweeting #bijousbaildenied? If not that kind of scandal, then what scandal can we expect from you?
BIJOU: Fuck no. I’m the anti-scandal girl. I’m far more likely to disappear off the face of the earth and have only a few people notice.
JASMIN: I would notice and so would your many readers. And I’m not sure about your anti-scandal position. Someone who can define fapsock as coolly as you did, has some serious mojo. Maybe you should write an urban dictionary since the current one doesn’t include fapsock.
BIJOU: I think I’ll let the youngsters handle the Urban Dictionary since they’re so keen on new words.
JASMIN: My proofreader is the type of professional expert that doesn’t tell, but shows, which is why I think she introduced me to your books (see how good I am at backhanded compliments?). I’m glad she did though because you have a large portfolio, which made me a happy girl for several months.
However, your books have raised a number of burning questions. Let’s start with the titles for your books. I find them engaging, which is highly important for a writer. How do you come up with them?
BIJOU: Some are song titles that I liked or lyrics that hit the right note. I keep a list of possible titles in an excel sheet, where I log character names, place names, etc.
JASMIN: I do that too. And on scraps of paper, ink on my hand, and once on a bar of chocolate. Do you have a habitual word that crops up in your writing all the time? I tend to overuse ‘just’ and ‘little’ and several other words, but this is your interview not mine.
BIJOU: I use the word “pretty” too much. “That’s pretty baller.” “You’re pretty hot.” That type of thing. Slang-wise, I use the term “dig” far too often. Like it’s forever the 1970’s, man. Can you dig it?
JASMIN: I can dig it. I like the term “baller”. At first, I thought it meant awesome, but now I’m thinking that’s wrong. It’s better than awesome. It’s like super-awesome. So the term baller is baller. Am I right?
BIJOU: Yep, it’s another way of saying awesome.
JASMIN: I understand from one of your personalities, that you have several voices in your head that help you write your books. Tell me a little about them. Do they all talk at once? How do you shut them up? In which part of your brain do they reside?
BIJOU: The dark voice demands to see people overcome life’s trials. The snarky voice wants to witness people in goofy scenarios. There’s an action voice who wants to punch people and shoot stuff. Sometimes, they work together. Other times, they fight for prominence. I shut them up by binging on YouTube movie review videos.
JASMIN: YouTube is a black hole of hell that sucks people in and keeps them awake until the wee hours of the morning. Speaking of snark, you’re very good at writing it. Are you a snarky person in real life?
BIJOU: Yes, I’m a snarky chick. Though I’m not the life of the party, I will huddle in the corner with my favored person and snark away. I’m essentially Chandler from Friends. Could I be any more obnoxious?
JASMIN: I know you hate ass kissing, but it truly is one of my favourite activities, although I prefer the passive-aggressive method. I love your books because your characters are perfectly imperfect, the dialogue is fantastic, and you are an excellent storyteller. Your books have some elements of suspense and intrigue, but mostly they’re romances. Still mixing them with an MC world adds the perfect amount of bad boy in the male characters. Notice, no passive aggressiveness, just plain old ass kissery.
Why did you decide to use the MC world (primarily) as your settings for your books?
BIJOU: I enjoy the freedom of characters living on the edge of society. While there are plenty of criminal organizations to choose from, I feel most of my characters’ grounded struggles fit best in the MC world.
JASMIN: You’re a risk taker with your characters. Don’t do me Wrong: Reapers MC: Conroe Chapter Book 1was a standout book for me because of Sissy. It was one of those books that stayed with me long after I finished it, primarily because I was upset at the people around her for not giving her the support she needed to recover from her father’s abuse. How was this story initially received by your readers? Did you take any flack for calling her “The Dummy”?
BIJOU: It’s important to me for my characters to own their flaws. I’m sure there were readers who didn’t like Sissy being called The Dummy. Calling her The Ditz might have been easier for readers to digest, but that wasn’t how she viewed herself or the name she grew up hearing. Part of Sissy’s journey was accepting who she was (growing up poor/abused, not being particularly bright) without shame. Often times, building a happy life isn’t about fixing yourself but accepting yourself, flaws and all.
JASMIN: Nice sentiments and well-said. Sissy was well-developed as an abused child/woman. There were so many aspects of this particular book that you nailed including the apathy many of the supporting characters had towards her simply because of who her father was. I guess I wished for her to not let her abuse define her intelligence. I wanted her to rise above it because the concept of intelligence is a lens that others view you through, and if you hear that you’re stupid enough times, you start to believe it about yourself. Having said that, the way the story progressed and ultimately ended was what made it powerful.
BIJOU: That’s a valid point about not wanting her abuse to define her intelligence. It comes down to perspective. If you believe Sissy is a dumb woman with qualities outside of intelligence, then she came into her own in the book. If you feel as if she was a woman of normal intelligence who believed she was dumb because of abuse, then she never reached her potential. I’m sure readers fall on both sides of that question.
JASMIN: Let’s move to some lighter conversation starting with the requisite Murder, Fuck, Marry question.
Which of your characters would you murder?
BIJOU: I know he has a small following with my hardcore readers and gained some redemption in his son’s book, but I’d kill Tucker Johansson in a heartbeat. He’s always been a pain in my ass.
JASMIN: Oh poor Tucker. He’s a good choice. Who would you fuck?
BIJOU: That’s tough, but I’d probably choose Angus Hayes. Mostly, I’m extremely curious about the size considerations. I know his son, Cap, is bigger, but he’s far too young for a woman my age to molest.
JASMIN: Hmmm, yeah. Angus (of Junkyard Dog fame) is one of my favourite of the men you’ve written, for exactly the reasons you mentioned. His maturity, along with his other assets, is very appealing. I like his gruffness too and the fact that he’s highly intimidating. Who would you marry?
BIJOU: Probably Chipper Wilburn. He’s the right kind of supportive and snarky for my taste. Plus, he likes cats, makes homemade pizzas, and has a snazzy house.
JASMIN: I’ve read all your books but one, which is a lie, since I discovered more when I forgot who Chipper was and had to search him out. Chipper is the main male character in Booze O’Clock (White Horse Book 3) and now I have to reread that one too. I think I’ll just reread them all.
Someone mentioned that you have a bad memory, but I can’t recall who said it. Let’s see if the wench who ratted you out is actually right about your recall ability.
The following are lines you wrote. Without looking them up, provide the book title and character speaking.
“With the new flooring and updated kitchen, it’s pretty fucking baller.”
BIJOU: I guessed this was one of the Rawlins Heretics MC books because of the word “baller.” I checked, and it’s Devil’s Ruin.
JASMIN: You are correct.
“What makes you think it’s cold?” she asks, mimicking my smile. “I’ve been thinking about you fucking me since we got back to the room. That’s a lot of heat built up between my legs. Hell, I’m surprised the countertop isn’t sizzling.”
BIJOU: Not a fucking clue.
JASMIN: This one is from Whiskey Blues (Serrated Brotherhood MC Book 2) – Ruby is speaking.
“Your lips say frick off, but your nipples are saying suck me. Bite me a little too. Make me hard and then take that tongue down between the nice lady’s legs so my friend Pussy can enjoy you too.”
JASMIN: Yup – the dialogue you write is so much fun to read. Another of my favourite lines from this book is Vaughn telling Raven, “You’re mine. If you leave, I’ll chase you. If you run, I’ll chase faster. If you let me catch you, I’ll make you my slave.” That’s serious romantic shit right there.
“Colton can do a hundred push-ups,” she says, pulling a random nugget of information from her head. “Can you?”
JASMIN: Nice job. And four dogs are never too many, by the way.
And the last one: I don’t know much about myself, but I’m looking into it. Apparently, I make stupid videos with my friends. One is called Mortal Komedy.
BIJOU: I got nothing.
JASMIN: That was a trick question; it’s a quote by Phelan Porteous.
About Bijou’s Life
JASMIN: How do you observe the Easter holidays? With chocolate bunnies and coloured eggs, continuing to perpetuate the lies all parents tell their children about unseen beings that sneak into their children’s bedrooms, take their teeth, eat their cookies, and kiss their mothers under the mistletoe and then wonder why their offspring are afraid of the dark? Or other?
BIJOU: I really don’t do anything for Easter and not just because of the childhood trauma you described.
JASMIN: You live with your mother. How’s that going?
BIJOU: Her presence in my life invigorates the voices in my head.
JASMIN: I’ve lived with my mother too. For the first several years of my life and then later, when she got kicked out of her apartment for scaring the neighbours. Moving along, I’ve been told that you’ve never married and yet you own three sons. Can you explain how that came about? Did someone drop them off on your doorstep along with a basket of cats or did you have to go somewhere to get them?
BIJOU: I had sex, Jas. See, when a man and a woman like each other to a certain degree, sometimes they get naked and…
JASMIN: Oh, I see. It’s that way, is it? Seems like a lot of work. Getting someone to deliver them in a basket all at once seems quicker and a lot less messy. I won’t ask anymore questions about your offspring, mostly because I don’t want to.
I used to work at Bob’s Burgers when I was a young lass, prior to becoming a famous Canadian. Regarding Bob’s Burgers, the TV show, which cast member would you invite to be a character in one of your books. Explain your choice.
BIJOU: Gene’s snark and enthusiasm for OTT behavior would really fit in with my characters. I’d have to sexy him up a little, though. No offense, but that hair ain’t working, kiddo.
JASMIN: In 2013, TV Guide ranked Bob’s Burgers as one of the top 60 Greatest TV Cartoons of All Time. Apparently, there were only 60 TV Cartoons ever made to that point, so it’s quite an accomplishment. What exactly is it that you like about this TV cartoon?
BIJOU: The humor obviously, but they’re also a family that’s crazy about each other. The three kids are best friends, always backing each other up on nutty adventures. The parents are just as wild as their kids (rather than being the exasperated elders tisk-tisking the kids’ antics). Basically, they are the cartoon equivalent of my snarkier families in White Horse and Rawkfist MC.
JASMIN: I’m ashamed to say I’ve never watched Bob’s Burgers before you mentioned it. I was able to track down a snippet of a u-tube video of it. I think it was a Christmas special and over my head (not really, but I needed a segue). Speaking of other things over my head (see, perfect seque), when you were a child and you saw a falling star, what did you wish for?
BIJOU: World peace and donuts.
JASMIN: Nice. I’m not nearly as selfless as you. I always wished for a bucket of chocolate ice cream that I wouldn’t have to share with anyone. These days, it’s the same wish, except I want vanilla ice cream with a side of maple syrup.
I think you are warmed up enough to tackle some tough questions. I can feel your body heat all the way from Indiana, so here goes. If a homeless chicken named Dumpling was vomiting up a pumpkin-spice café latte in your kitchen, how would you cope with her?
BIJOU: First, I would worry for Dumpling’s safety since my cat, Rainbow, would fucking slaughter her. After I got the chicken to safety (much like the time I had to relocate a duckling from our backyard), I’d get my oldest son to clean up the pumpkin-spice crap before the smell made me puke.
JASMIN: You are a kind person to the chicken, not so much to the boy. Next question. Since you deny owning a Denny’s franchise, explain why Denny’s keeps popping up in your early books?
BIJOU: You know those hipster douches who sit at coffee shops and write their magnum opus? Well, that was me except that I was a middle-aged chick writing romances at a Denny’s. I had a favorite waitress (Sabie) and would only go when she was working. I’d stay for a few hours, writing and editing. After gaining three hundred pounds, I decided I might need fewer pancakes in my life. Now I write at home.
JASMIN: Thank you for your honesty. Are you a hippie? I think you’re too young to be an official hippie, but is hippiness in your genes? Should I be asking your mother this question?
BIJOU: I prefer the term “bohemian” to hippie. As for my mom’s opinion, if you choose to ask her, you best block out a few hours from your day because the woman’s never known a story that she couldn’t make longer.
JASMIN: I know people like that. I call them the Why say it in three words when you can say it in 15 type of people. I’m sure your mom’s a lovely woman, but chatty mothers are on my list of things not to get tangled up with. Speaking of mothers, what’s your favourite horror movie? How many times have you seen it? Why is it your favourite?
BIJOU: I love horror movies, so picking just one is tough, but the ones I’ve seen the most are “The Thing” and “Invasion of the Body Snatchers” (1978). What they share in common are great soundtracks, casts, and writing. I love the sense of increasing dread along with the characters’ growing sense of isolation as the people around them change. I’d say I’ve seen “The Thing” the most. Maybe fifty times over the years, which sounds like a lot but I’m 47 and it used to air on TV a lot.
JASMIN: My bladder is too weak to handle horror movies, although for some odd reason, I do like The Grudge and will watch it when it’s on. Also, the Alien franchise if it counts as a horror movie?
BJ: The first “Alien” is definitely a horror movie. The Grudge is creepy AF too. Oh, and good luck with that weak bladder problem, btw.
JASMIN: Thank you. Can you name four other famous Canadians besides me?
BIJOU: Easy. The cast of The Kids in the Hall: Dave Foley, Kevin McDonald, Bruce McCulloch, Mark McKinney, and Scott Thompson. That’s five Canadians crushing your head right there.
JASMIN: Man, did I not see that coming, probably because I’ve never seen The Kids in the Hall. Or if I have, I don’t remember. I hope that doesn’t get me thrown out of Canada. Time to shift directions. There are quite a number of dogs in your books, and yet you own three cats. Do you not like your cats? Do you wish they were dogs?
BIJOU: I prefer cats, but not all characters can be cat people. Just like how most of my characters used to drink soda and never coffee because I hate coffee and love soda. Eventually, I had to shake things up. Hence, a lot of dog people.
JASMIN: How interesting. There isn’t a single cat in any of my books, not because I don’t like cats. Like children and mothers, I tolerate them. What does your cat, Rainbow, think of his name?
BIJOU: He goes by Bow-Bow most days, which is super tough and shit, so he forgives my youngest son for naming a black and white cat Rainbow.
JASMIN: Are you sure Rainbow forgives your son? He’s a cat after all and that makes everything he says and does suspect.
BIJOU: BIJOU: Bow-Bow’s an asshole. If he was still pissed, we’d all know it.
JASMIN: What would your cats say about you if I asked them for a reference?
BIJOU: Pixie would say, “Mine.” Tinker would say, “Eh, the boy is better.” Bow-Bow would say, “Wait, which one is she?”
JASMIN: Exactly. See my point above. Let’s talk about your mother’s dog. You’re on record as referring to him as ugly. Can you describe him, so my readers have an understanding of his ugliness?
BIJOU: Rafe was a puggle with a bug eyes and a smooshed nose. He was spoiled AF and followed my mom around all day. We had him for fifteen years. Unfortunately, he’s no longer with us. Rafe’s been peeing on furniture in doggy heaven since January.
JASMIN: I’m sorry to hear about Rafe. Maybe he’s hanging out with my dogs, Piper and Sammy, thought I doubt it. Piper’s a stuck-up bitch and Sammy does whatever Piper tells him to do. Next question. If you could redesign the food pyramid, how would it look?
BIJOU: I’d keep it just the way it is and continue to ignore its existence.
JASMIN: Good answer. What would your perfect murder weapon be and why?
BIJOU: That pencil move from John Wick was pretty sweet. Hmm… I don’t know if it’s a perfect murder weapon, but I once broke a guy’s nose with a dust buster.
JASMIN: Now I have to rewatch John Wick. I think a dust buster is a perfectly good murder weapon providing it’s fully charged.
JASMIN: If peanut butter wasn’t called peanut butter, what would it be called? Explain your answer
BIJOU: Sticky brown goo. I figure that would go over as well as when diary farmers wanted to rename almond milk “nut juice.”
JASMIN: Did they really? I drink a lot of nut juice… hmm, I see why it didn’t stick. A penguin wearing a sombrero walks through your front door. What does he say and why is he there?
BIJOU: He’s clearly drunk and at the wrong house. The lost lush will likely scream obscenities as my cats attempt to feast on him. If he survives, I’ll call him an Uber.
JASMIN: Note to penguins: Avoid Indianapolis. Who would win a battle between a ninja and a pirate?
BIJOU: Ninja, for sure, with all that badass training. The pirate would probably be too drunk to do much anyway. However, if it’s a battle of STDs, I’d give the win to the pirate.
JASMIN: I like pirates and always wanted to be ravaged by one, but the STDs is a non-starter. Now I have to revise my bucket list. Is there anything else I should ask you or that you would like to add?
BJ: Nope. Your questions are awesomesauce!
JASMIN: Your answers are awesomesauce! You… awesomesauce person, you.
Bijou Hunter is a romance author of Romantic Comedy and Suspense. Living in Indiana with her three sweet sons, three wacky cats, one super mom, she loves 1970s rock, Call of Duty, Phelan Porteous, and sitcoms canceled before their time.
Her books are available on Amazon, Kobo, B&N, Apple, and Google. She’s also published m/m romance under the pen, Ily Jacks and paranormal/horror under the pen, Tatiana Xavi.
You can connect with Bijou at the following links:
Book 11 of Running with the Devil was originally going to be called Mr. Master, but I’ve changed the title to Duplicity. It’s a better fit, I think. I’m loving the rollicking adventures of Mr. Jackman and Brook Lafferty. Lots of snark, heat and action. But no cover yet and I’m not sure when I’ll have it up for presales. Probably when I have a cover.
Other mentionables? I’m doing my best to stick to my publishing schedule for this year, which means a busy summer, but it doesn’t look like I’ll be doing any camping (as if), so I’ll write instead.
I’m taking a break from blogging author interviews because I’m jug’s deep working on my books and I want to concentrate on a couple of other projects. Thank you to my girls, DD Prince, Annabel Joseph, Nikita Slater, and Bijou Hunter for playing with me.
I hope you’re all doing as well as you can in this trying time and that you are able to stay connected with friends and family through social media and other digital means.
Thank you to the delivery people who bring me wine and pizza and to all the front line workers who are keeping the doors open, the lights on, the sick comforted and the buses moving.
Stay strong, stay isolated and stay hydrated.
A few facts regarding things I said in this interview:
My mother did get kicked out of her apartment for scaring the neighbours and moved in with me.
2. I had children, but they grew up and left me. They claim that doesn’t change their status as children, but I’m undecided.
3. I have never watched Kids in the Hall, The Titanic, or Bob’s Burgers, but I do watch some TV and am very much devoted to weird movies often set in foreign countries.
4. I do like pirates and still want to be ravaged by one, preferably without STDs.