Hello you sexy, sexy things!
Am I objectifying you all? Of course, but at least I’m being inclusive. Sexy is as sexy does.
What does hell are you talking about, Jasmin?
In my world it means sexy has less to do with awesome good looks and more to do with who you are (in my case, I humbly admit its both).
For example, take Ren, the Mountain pack’s alpha in Savage Hearts (Shifters of Darkness Falls Book 4) (not literally, because he’s mine, you hear me, MINE!).
He didn’t try to convince himself he was good-looking. Maybe as a young man, he had the goods, but now, he was weathered, his nose broken a couple of times, scars across his torso. His ragged beard hid another on his neck, put there by a momma bear that took exception to Ren wandering between her and her cubs. But good-looking and attractive didn’t always equate.
Mind you, the rest of the paragraph focuses on how the babes love Ren’s size and demeanor, and how he’s a fuck and leave ’em kind of alpha, sooooo still a bit shallow.
Speaking of sexy, lets talk about blowjobs. When I’m writing sex scenes, I sometimes go to the internet for pointers. After all, Mr. Google is the reigning king of sex information. I need something, he’s got it. Google images is a huge resource and so are some cocks.
There’s a paragraph in the Savage Hearts where Cherime compares shifters to cocks and another where she describes Ren’s dick. I find myself writing similar descriptions across my books about the main male character’s cock: long (naturally), wide (also goes without saying), throbbing (all dicks throb, don’t they?), smooth helmet or mushroom head (there are probably other idioms I use, but none come to mind at the moment).
But I wanted something new, so I looked at a lot of images of penises (sigh, a writer’s work is never done) to come up with the perfect dick for Ren. This is how I describe it in Savage Hearts:
His flaccid cock was impressive enough and Cherime inspected it closely, her pussy warming up at its appearance. His foreskin hid the prolific hood, which, when hard, was like a mushroom with a super long and wide stem. His penis seemed lighter than the rest of his skin, but the helmet, when exposed, was as a dark as he was. Erect, the flesh on his shaft was silky to the touch, the root of it nestled in dark curly hair.
I know what you’re thinking. All those hours spent looking at penises and that’s the best Jasmin could come up with?
Yes! I’m a writer, not a genius!
Ren’s a mountain shifter, so there’s no manscaping for him. Also, a first for me is the mention of foreskin on a male character’s penis, although I talk about it all the time in real life, especially at dinner parties where polite conversation is encouraged.
In Canada (yeah, I’m Canadian), it used to be that all little boys got circumcised (back in the day when I had my little boys), but I think that’s changing. I don’t know for sure because I haven’t seen many little boy penises recently (even I know better than to google that one).
At first I thought it would be wrong of me to ask young men whether they were cut or uncut. Then I thought, why the hell not? I won’t ask the little, little boys, because their mothers might call the police on me, but the big boys that are old enough to get into nightclubs seemed like fair game.
I channelled Cherime (shifter babe in book 4), wore a tight red dress, stillettos and a matching red face mask and stood outside a popular downtown nightclub with my clipboard and and pen. I looked extremely official with my is-he-or-isn’t-he checklist.
The problem was that everyone was wearing masks (you know, because of Covid-19, not because it was Halloween) and we couldn’t hear each other.
Quick aside. Since when is Halloween a proper noun? It’s not a fucking statutory holiday. I know I sound too much like my grandmother, but Halloween doesn’t know its proper place. It needs its ass kicked.
Anyway, let’s move along before the all the attention goes to Halloween’s head (and not the one on top of his shoulders).
I arrived at the nightclub, looking sexy (not sexy is as sexy does, but downright so hot I was smoking. Which I don’t. Smoke, I mean. It’s a metaphor.
First guy to come up was a sweet little thing (maybe 20) that would never get to be a character in my books, because his girl friend was Nicole Kidman to his Tom Cruise, all height, heels and looking down on her little luv. Nonetheless, I was not there to be judgey, so I said, “Are you circumcised?”
He said, “What?”
Damn masks – they make the air fresher, but you can’t hear a thing. I raised my voice slightly and did a little a circular hand motion over my lower lady bits (vagina, people!). “Circumcised!”
He stared down at my lady bits too long based on his girlfriend’s reaction. She looked to him, then me, then back to him, then punched him in the arm so hard he squealed. Unlike Nicole Kidman, who doesn’t sneer, the cranky woman sneered at me and dragged him away.
I checked off Yes. Maybe it’s a generalization, but men who squeal must be circumcised. I mean, Ren would never squeal after Cherime punched him.
Next two guys that showed up were taller and far more filled out than my first candidate. I’d say lickable, if they weren’t so young and smug.
“Hello, boys,” I said in a low, raspy, voice.
They stopped and smiled at me through their masks (yeah, yeah, they were wearing masks so how did I know they were smiling? If you’d been them looking at me, you’d know why they were smiling).
“Holy hell!” they said. Or maybe it was hello. The masks kind of muffle stuff.
“I’m doing a survey of young men. Can you tell me if you’re circumcised?” (btw, I don’t know how to spell circumsised. I’ve gotten the fucking word wrong every single time I’ve typed it.)
“What?” they said. It was like talking to Tweedledum and Tweedledee.
I sighed. “Circumcised!” Once again, I raised my voice and did the pelvis level circular lady bits motion.
They looked at each other, then the taller of the two said, “Supersized? Oh yeah, we are.”
He smirked at his buddy, who took his hand and kissed the knuckles. “But we’re monogamous and also totally gay.” His gaze travelled over my body. “No offense.”
I took a deep breath and steamed up my sexy professor glasses that I like to wear when I’m wanting to look sexy, but intelligent (the two are not mutually exclusive except in reference to me).
Anyway, I took the glasses off as three sexy young men sauntered up to me and stopped without me having to throw myself between them and the entrance.
They stood side-by-side like the three bears, but to be honest, they were all hot, but not too hot. Just right.
“Excuse me,” I purred, holding my gorgeous long red fingernail attached to my finger up in the air. The pointer one, not the FU one. “Don’t go anywhere, boys. I need to make a quick call.”
I dialled Mr. Quinn. FYI, we don’t have an open-marriage, and I don’t cheat but I do lie. “I’m at the market on Yates Street getting some… uh… hummus, but the store’s being robbed by these three hot men with long… um… guns and they’re handcuffing us all, so I can’t talk long. Just letting you know that I might a little late.”
Mr. Quinn replied, “Tell the beaver I said hello.” And hung up.
I turned back to the boys, who’d been politely chatting with each other. One of them handed me back my pen, which had fallen while I was on the phone. “You dropped your pen, ma’am,” he said.
I was shocked and dismayed, both of which made me stagger to the wall so I could prop myself up. “Ma’am?” I yell-gasped as they slipped inside the club. “You fucking three bears, calling me Ma’am!”
I kept my string of curses going until the manager came out of the club and told me I had to either settle down or leave.
I settled down. I only ever leave when I’m fucking good and ready (or I’m arrested). I called Mr. Quinn back and told him the cops had arrived and arrested the assholes who had handcuffed me to a beaver, so I wouldn’t be late after all.
I decided to try once more time and base my findings on an N of 1. That’s a bullshit statistical word, of which I’m a fan. There are other words I could use, but none of them would make sense.
As usual, I’ve digressed rather badly.
The next guy that came up to me was so seriously hot that I reconsidered my marriage vows for a few seconds. Who hasn’t done that? When a girl sees a guy who she knows she would have stalked if not for the old ball and chain at home in his recliner, her mind goes to all those places her body can’t.
Anyway, I stepped in front of him, all elegant and graceful and stuff and said, “Hello you sexy man.” My voice was smooth as hot chocolate with marshmallows on top.
He narrowed his eyes at me. “I’m not Mexican.”
Oops. “I said sexy… oh never mind. I’m doing a survey on circumcision.”
“What decision?” He was clearly confused.
“Circumcision!” I yelled, this time using a scissor hand motion across my lower lady bits.
“Oh,” he said, finally realizing what I was talking about. He shook his head. “Sorry, I’m not into that kind of fetish.”
As he walked away, I winged the clipboard at him, catching the back of his head and knocking him out. He’s okay now, but I’m writing this blog from prison. Mr. Quinn won’t post bail. It’s his punishment for me because I lied to him about hummus.
Now where were we? Oh yeah, Blowies!
The trouble with Mr. Google, is he pulls you in with interesting articles that make you want to look. Of course I did, because I never not look. I was fascinated by the blogs that described different types of blowjobs and how to give the best blowjob ever (which I’m sure you are, like me, already an expert at, but what if there’s a new technique that we aren’t aware of?).
Who wouldn’t want to know this stuff? Certainly, I did.
Fun facts (or are they? I mean facts, not fun, because of course facts are always fun, but do we know whether these facts are borne from an N of 1? See how I circled back there. You should ignore me when I’m talking about statistics – it’s all just bullshit anyway):
Did you know that how you give a blowjob says a lot about who you are. For example, if you’re a deep throater, then
you don’t do anything halfway. With you, it’s all or nothing, especially when it comes to penises. You practiced suppressing your gag reflex on your own time because you want to blow his mind while you blow his member. You’re selfless and committed, able to dedicate yourself to your partner 100 percent when the need arises.
At least that’s what Bob Alubrua says. Find out what kind of blowjob person you are at: https://thoughtcatalog.com/bob-alaburda/2015/10/8-types-of-blowjobs-that-indicate-a-lot-about-your-personality/
Then there’s all those blogs on how to give the best blowjobs.
Nicole Matkins summed it up beautifully with the following wisdom:
Give the brothers down below a courtesy squeeze. Hug the shaft with your mouth and shove that bad boy in as deep as you can; gauge your limits.
Anyone smoking yet?
Check out her very thorough advice on how to give the best blowjobs ever at: https://medium.com/@nicolematkins/how-to-give-him-the-best-blowjob-of-his-life-6836b80051e6/
Most of these articles about blowies all seem to agree that enthusiasm is the first and foremost factor. If you don’t like giving blow jobs, then you should figure it out.
I have to admit, I’m a rather enthusiastic blowjob giver because it’s so much fun to to throw a guy off his game by going down on him while he’s driving (don’t do this on a busy highway), or in an alley, or the supply room at a hospital, or the bathroom of my grandmother’s house. She was shocked at first, then pissed at me when I told her to stop with the advice and get out!
My grandmother almost died several weeks after I visited when her falsies got stuck on grandpa’s penis while she was deep-throating him. She okay, but poor grandpa got circumcised that day. He hasn’t been the same sine.
Speaking of awesome blowies!
In Savage Hearts, Cherime gives Ren a morning blowjob, that made me have to stop my editing and reaquaint myself with Rosario, my lovely little pink vibrating toy.
You want the details? I don’t have time to spend with Rosario right now, so I guess you’re going to have to read the book.
I know what you’re thinking: Good segue, Jasmin! Maybe you aren’t, but I certainly am. Time to get back to Savage Hearts and my wonderful world of Darkness Falls shifters!
You can also read the book for free on KindleUnlimited.
You may have already guessed this, but just in case you’re still trying to read between the lines (there’s nothing between the lines – never is, never will be), Savage Hearts is now available on Amazon. The book is fun, but serious, Ren and Cherime are fun, sexy, and also serious. And for the first time ever, there’s a bonus chapter at the end. I know! I was surprised too. At first, it was an epilogue, but then I wrote a different epilogue, so it became a bonus chapter.
But wait, there’s more!
Book 5 of the Darkness Falls series, Primal Heat is up for preorders, so if you love book 4 (and how could you not?), you’re going to love Book 5!
It will be available February 26th, 2021. I know what you’re thinking. What the fuck, Jasmin? Can’t you write the book faster?
Why yes! Yes, I could, buuuuttttttt the last book in my Running with the Devil Series is set to be published in November, so I have to write that one first.
Yes girls and boys, Book 12, tentatively titled House of Shadows, is the final chapter in the war between Rusya and Jackman. My heart hurts a little when I think about it. It’s going to be hard to let go of these characters, but life marches on.
House of Shadows (Running with the Devil Book 12) will also go up for preorders in September.
Last but not least!
Finally, I have to plug my book, Unleashed, which I released at the end of June. It’s currently a standalone book, but I’ve been sketching out a series plan. Maybe three or four more books to come!
I hope your summer has held some joyful moments as well as some peaceful solitude. Fall is around the corner and so is that smug (not a pronoun) bastard, halloween.
Peace out my sisters (and brothers).
I love you much (am I overdoing it? You’ll know because you’ll start feeling highly uncomfortable, then you’ll try avoiding me, but it won’t work. I have major stalker skills – I even won an award for them!
PS. I have no PS for you today. I ran out of clever about half-way through this blog.
PSS. Wait. I just thought of one. Check out these new 5-star read by authors that I regularly stalk!
2 thoughts on “Circumcision, blowies, and how grandma almost died.”
You are my kind of cray cray. I hope we get to meet one day soon!!
Lol! I can’t wait either. One of these days!